We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
