Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
