On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
