Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
why does every cop we meet know your name?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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