New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
