Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
