I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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