Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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