if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
