Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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