So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
