Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
