Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
