she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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