the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
