I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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