Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
