Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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