If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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