i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize