I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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