it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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