in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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