she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
