took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
