hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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