I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
