new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
