If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
