just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
