every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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