She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
