Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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