i just had sex bonerless
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
organizing the empties. That sober.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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