She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
