Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
