If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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