You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
