A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize