Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
