Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
