If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize