Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
