I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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