You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I want her autograph on my taint
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
