i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
