he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
