PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
