if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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