The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
