If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
