I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
