i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
