I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
