You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
