My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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