When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
