im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
