Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
