Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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