I think im going to throw up on grandma
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
