Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
