Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
