I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
