I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
