I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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