Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
