Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
