I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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