How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i will never coherently bang her
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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