So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
