Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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